The Hills have eyes.... but we have vision problems

Holy busy

2010-02-15T12:12:00.000-05:00

It's been decidedly difficult to keep up with one blog, let alone two. So I have decided to merge both blogs into one. Bear with me while I'm transitioning.

Oops

2009-07-03T13:41:00.002-04:00

yeah... so it's been well over a month since I last wrote. Let's see... what's new. Oh yeah, I got my offer. Finally!! I swear in on 14 July, at noon, and then on 26 July, I'll be making the trek to St Jean. Now that it's finally happening the time is just flying on by. Some days I want to just say - stop! wait! I need more time!! As much as I've prepared and increased my fitness level, I'm feeling less than confident and it's frightening. I'm so scared that I'm going to fail, perhaps it's that level of perfectionism inside me that is eating away at me. But I won't be able to relax until I pass my expres test. BFT, no problem. I'd so do that shit any day of the week. The expres test is just ridiculous. shuttle run, situps, pushups, hand grip, and then they want us to try chin ups too? argh. and then the swim test. I'm freaking out a little.

so.. yeah, that's where I am right now.

It's been a while....

2009-05-24T13:15:00.003-04:00

lots going on.. I suppose. Ken's back from the deployment, has been for about a month now. Things are good. We're finally at a point where he's doing things properly (ie/ my way), so that probably means I"m going to be leaving soon so he can go and screw up all my cupboards and drawers. Damn men and their insistence on not following our patterns.

Sean is talking up a storm. Sure there's a lot of it that doesn't make sense, but he has a LOT of words now. When you read in the books about a "language explosion" they mean it - he has one or two new words every day. It's crazy.

Jamie got selected for cadet camp. In Bagotville, QC. *sigh* poor kid doesn't speak a lick of french so this should be really interesting for him.

Me, I'm still waiting for my flippin offer. Though I've been told to expect a call "very soon". Whatever that means.

Nothing deep and/ or thoughtful today - just a little update on us.

On being nice.

2009-02-16T02:25:00.002-05:00

I'm not a "nice" person. Now, I'm not saying I'm a bad person. Not at all. But, I'm not a "nice" person in that I will NOT do/say something I don't 100% believe just to avoid the hurt feelings of another. As I would prefer others to behave towards me. I will not blow sunshine up someones skirt just to make them feel better about doing something stupid. I suppose that could be construed as bitchy or snarky or whatever by some. And that's fine really. I wasn't put on this earth to seek the approval of every man, woman and child. I do what I need to for myself, my family, my country. Those who don't appreciate that don't matter.

I refuse to give out a virtual hug to someone just because they're having a bad day. If I do give one out - it's simply because I am too far away to give one in person. I refuse to ever be the doormat I used to be ever again. I am strong, and I will stand up for myself. I will not back down when someone challenges me. Especially when I know in my heart I have done nothing wrong.

To me there is a big difference between being "good" and being "nice". I will admit, I can be both sometimes, and sometimes I can be the complete opposite. But I tire of being nice. It seems so fake. I never tire of being a good person. I enjoy helping people, and seeing the work I do through to completion. I love setting goals and meeting them. I love making my friends laugh or smile. I ache for my friends when they are hurting and I'll do whatever I can to help them. But I also know when to say no too.

I think there's a balance. Knowing when to say, I'll help you, and when to say - I'm sorry, but I can't. I believe it's the nice people who don't know how to strike that balance. In their eternal quest to please everyone around them, they end up pleasing no-one and disappointing themselves. Sad really.

that's all I have for now... see if I come back to this later.

Worst. Day. Ever.

2009-02-10T21:24:00.002-05:00

I have the flu. Sean is sick as well. So is Jamie. The dog is driving me insane. When I'm sick I prefer to just be left alone - or coddled. I HATE being hung off of at the best of times. Today was just bloody awful.

I've got Jamie, asking me every inane question he could possibly think of. The dog is using my house as his own private latrine. He pissed on my goddamned duvet today. And Sean, because he's sick too, has been super extra clingy. I am at my wits end. I ache everywhere. Even my hair hurts. I need a shower, and some alone time. Short of drugging them all, I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. But I really really need that shower.

Make the whining stop!!!!!! I am so done.

Flabbergasted

2009-01-31T20:27:00.004-05:00

I don't even know what to say to this news story.

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/new-brunswick/story/2009/01/28/nb-o-canada.html

Reader's Digest version; the principal of Belleisle elementary school in New Brunswick Erik Millett decided to put the kaibosh to singing O Canada in the morning before the start of the day's activities. Why? Because suppposedly two parents complained.

1. Who complains about O Canada?
2. What kind of country do we live in where the minority rules all, and the majority gets the shaft?

This lends itself to all kinds of ranting and raving.

Is this really the result of 2 complaints or are there ulterior motives to Mr Millett's actions?

I will probably come back to this later when I can form a coherent sentence. Right now I am incensed.

I am hoping that MP Greg Thompson and the District Superintendant Zoe Watson can fix the horrible mess that this douchebag of a principal caused.

The Great "I'm going to do it list" challenge.

2009-01-14T02:02:00.004-05:00

Fantastic idea I've heard some people were doing, decided to Google it and found that hundreds (if not thousands) of people are taking this challenge. It's exciting. 101 things to do in 1001 days.

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Some common goal setting tips:

1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.

2. Stay Focussed. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.

3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.

4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.

5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

101 Things in 1001 Days

Start date - 14 Jan 2009
End date - 12 Oct 2011

Pending = no colour
Completed = Blue
Failure = Red

Health, Fitness and Aesthetics

1. Lose inches, poundage doesn't matter. (lost 4 inches over all so far 05/24/09)
2. The gym - 5 days per week. no excuses. This one is easy - we do PT every freaking day
3. No pop for the duration EPIC FAIL!! I lasted about 2 months.
4. Get a professional massage
5. Drink 60 oz of water per day I am very, very hydrated.
6. Take a pilates or yoga class.
7. Get a great haircut
8. Treat myself to a Spa Day
9. Be ready for basic training by 30 March 09 (Now if I'd just get that GD phone call)
10. Stop eating junk food.
11. Take vitamins and supplements every day for a month
12. be able to do 5 chinups (0/5)
13. Be able to do 20 push ups consistently (17/20 as of 11/30/09)
14. go to the dentist once a year (0/2)
15. get rid of the acne

Financial

16. Start an RRSP for myself
17. Pay off my student loans
18. Start socking money away for an emergency fund (equivalent to 6 months pay)
19. Get Ken to do the same for vacation fund.
20. Apply for a Visa
21. Save $2/day for 1001days (fun money)
22. Throw all loose change (loonies and toonies included) in the coin jug.
23. Start giving Jamie and Sean an allowance.
24. Create a budget and stick to it.
25. Keep all bills up to date.

Around the Home

26. Get bathroom renovation quotes
27. Get new bed (new frame, mattress set - split queen) for my bedroom
28. Paint kitchen cabinets and get new hardware (brushed nickel)
29. Purge clutter once per month (0/33)
30. New countertop for kitchen
31. New flooring for upstairs
32. New living room furniture
33. Put all my photos and picture CDs into boxes
34. New windows
35. Read about and learn some Flylady techniques
36. Use my slowcooker more often
37. Own a real big, gorgeous, expensive duvet
38. Go through make-up and bathroom stuff; throw out what I don’t use or is too old
39. Read all the books I own and have never read
40. Do mass cooking on Sundays for main meals through the week.

Personal Growth, Development and Connection

41. Choose an affirmation and say it 10 times/day, every day, for a month
42. Make a real effort to maintain the friendships I've made
43. Learn to believe in myself.
44. Write an “unsent letter” to Joanne and relieve myself of some baggage.
45. CALL PEOPLE and ask how they are doing, instead of talking about myself.
46. Ask for forgiveness from those I've wronged.
47. Forgive people who wronged me.
48. Spend two days per week NOT using the computer at all. No checking email, facebook, message boards - nothing.
49. Have one date night per month with Ken *except during training* (1/26)
50. Learn French (getting better! 11/30/09)
51. Take a class I normally wouldn't.
52. Read the Five Love Languages (in progress!)
53. Tell each one of my facebook friends what I like about them.
54. Send a handwritten card to 30 friends or family, just because. (0/30)
55. Start a friends and family newsletter, send out once per month. (0/33) fail - I lack the attention span and desire to carry this one out

Spiritual
56. Commune with nature, I know how granola hippie that sounds - but I miss being able to do that.
57. Figure out what I'm going to teach the kids about spirituality and "higher powers"
58. Remember to pray everyday.
59. Be thankful for my life.

Entertainment, Travel and Fun

60. Go away for our 5 year anniversary (pick a great destination)
61. Go camping with the kids and dog.
62. Spend that $2002 I saved on a new wardrobe
63. Go out to dinner or a movie with the girls 7 times. (1/7)
64. Buy a cool purse/bag hand made by a Canadian designer
65. Go on a picnic. Have a Halloween party for grown ups.
67. Go back to Halifax.
68. Host more playdates.
69. Hang out with Sean and see the world the way he sees it.
70. Hang out with Jamie and enjoy some mom & son time.
71. Cook up a 4 course dinner including dessert for friends.
72. Host a party
73. Go out with Ken to a comedy club 4 times. (0/4)
74. Have my picture taken with Santa
75. Karaoke, with the girls.
76. Visit 4 Museums in the city. (1/4)
77. Take a random weekend roadtrip, see where I end up
78. Go to an NHL game - see what the fuss is about.
79. Go skating on the Rideau Canal.
80. Start taking Moe to the dog park.

Work/ Hobbies

81. Get course senior or best recruit at BMQ
82. Don't be intimidated by the headgames
83. Learn to get ALL the dustbunnies.
84. Keep my inbox as clear as possible.
85. Increase my typing speed to 60wpm
86. Start sketching/ painting more.
87. Keep my boots shiny.
88. Learn to get to know 0500 really well, and get to bed at a decent hour.
89. Start collecting Willow tree figures
90. Write in my blogs at least once per week.

Contribution

91. Host a charity event in honour of either the Wounded Warriors Fund or the Military Families Fund.
92. Petition for a green box program here in Rockland.
93. Do something nice for someone else at least once per month (11/33)
94. Make regular donations to Salvation Army/ Canadian Diabetes Assoc (clothing/ housewares)95. Serve my country.

Just Do It

96. Get a passport for me, Ken and the kids.
97. Open a new bank account at a bank I can access.
98. Go skydiving.
99. Write my will.
100. Begin working on my book.
101. Go dancing.

Update.

2009-01-02T18:53:00.002-05:00

Wrote my CFAT on 16 Dec 08. PASSED!!!! Woot! So my medical and interview are scheduled for 7 Jan 09. I'm excited and very very nervous. LOL... just like I was with my test. But I'm one step closer to getting in. Hopefully my medical situation won't be a hindrance.

Also, Ken was home for HLTA from 12 Dec 08 to 31 Dec 08. Was a great 19 days, I was so glad to have him home. So now we're on the downward spiral I suppose you could say. I'm hoping he'll be home in time for Sean's birthday.. but not counting on it.

What else..... ? hrmmm.... Don't have a lot else to tell. Working on a couple projects. Can't wait to get back to the gym. Soooooon I hope. urgh. I feel soooo fat. Damn you yummy snacks.

Monday it's back to the gym and I am very much looking forward to it. Except for the fact that there will be LOADS of New Years resolutionists there hogging all the machines. :P

SIGH frustration.

2009-01-02T18:44:00.002-05:00

Everyday I read bonehead comments from people that only have a small idea of what our troops are doing in Afghanistan. It boggles my mind really. Comparing the war in Afghanistan to the war in Iraq, calling our troops babykillers. It's unfair really. I can't even dare to know everything about the CF because I am still on the outside looking in. Even once I do get in I won't know everything. I don't think anyone really knows everything about the CF.... with the possible exception of the Chief of Defense Staff.... and even he's still pretty new in his job.

It hurts my head though. The things that I read. I don't understand how people can be so blatantly ill informed. It's like they don't even try to learn about the topic that incenses them so. Call me crazy, but if there is a topic that bothers me, even a little. I learn as much as I can about it, to be as informed as possible. Don't want to go off on a crazy rant and look like an idiot who doesn't know what she's talking about.

I can't even quote the crap that I read because there are soooo many incomplete or incoherent thoughts. Drives me crazy. Read a paper people. Do some research. Afghanistan is not Iraq and vice versa. UGH!!!!!!!!!

I did it... Lord help me I did it.

2008-12-06T00:18:00.002-05:00

I put in my application to the CF. Took me 13 years but I finally bit the bullet (no pun intended) and applied. My aptitude testing is on 16 Dec 08. I feel like I'm going to puke, hahaha. I can't believe sometimes that I'm actually doing this. I'm scared to death most of the time and freaking out that I won't be able to hack basic training. I definitely don't want to fail. I think that scares me more than anything.

I'll admit, I've been slacking on my gym time the last couple weeks. Come Monday I'll be back to the grind, and I really have to get the house clean this weekend. Ken's going to be home soon soon soon. I'm very very excited for that too.

Wish me luck with everything - I'm gonna need it.

Motherhood = Basic Training?

2008-10-06T14:35:00.003-04:00

So I've been thinking lately. As I get closer to embarking on the adventure that is basic training, and the more I hear about the "fun" of BMQ (basic military qualification) the more I'm starting to realize that I have already been in training of sorts for the last 17 months.

Sleep deprivation - At BMQ my days will start at 0500 and end at 2300. That is 5.5 - 6 FULL hours of sleep. Since Sean's been born I don't think I've had that much consecutive sleep.

Eating fast - At BMQ I will have only 20 minutes to get my meals and eat them (possibly with the exception of supper) and then put my tray away. With Sean I've learned to eat fast, or eat it cold. Since I don't enjoy eating cold food, downrange it goes.

Physical exertion - At BMQ, I will be on the move a lot, using muscles most people didn't know they had. With Sean, I've used about every muscle in my body keeping up with him.

Getting dirty - At BMQ, it's a given, I'll be hanging out in the mud and the bush quite a bit. With Sean, well, it's also a given, I've become the boy's personal napkin. Plus it's almost impossible to play with a toddler and not get dirty if you're outside.

Cleaning stations - At BMQ, I'll be working with my platoon mates to keep our quarters clean. As a mom, I work alone to keep the entire house clean.

Plus being the mother of both a toddler and a pre-teen, my powers of observation are very keen.

wow, I've already got lots of experience... think they'll let me skip BMQ??? LOL

just thinking....

2008-10-03T20:26:00.002-04:00

A lot's been on my mind lately, Ken's been gone for over a month now and I still haven't really settled into a routine. Unless you count staying up ridiculously late and sleeping in a routine. I'm just kind of fed up with the way things are. Everything is ALWAYS a mess. And I have zero space to store anything. I know I have to throw stuff out/ recycle it/ donate it/ whatever. It just gets hard trying to decide what to get rid of. I swear, soon, I'm just going to donate everything.

I don't know, I just feel like once everything is clean and purged, it'll be so much easier to maintain.

As for right now - I fucking hate my life. Sean is into everything - literally. And Jamie, well, he's about as helpful as a headless broom.

just ugh. i'm fed up.

Husbands and deployments....

2008-09-13T20:01:00.003-04:00

So today I went to a birthday party for my friend Meaghan's little guy Noah. Had a good time, caught up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. Got the requisite "how are you doing?" and the occasional pitying glance. I WAS doing fine - til I started noticing ALLLLLL the husbands hanging around. I almost hate to admit it - I think I had a bit of an anxiety attack. I suddenly was keenly aware of the fact that I was there - alone.

Sure, there were other moms there without their husbands. But that's because they chose not to go. Not because they were on the other side of the planet.

I think I did pretty well though, fought off the tears for about 45 minutes before I excused myself and left. But by the time I got to the car and got Sean strapped in I was in full on sob mode - and I was only parked about 20 feet from the door. I hate this. I hate that it hits me like this, and so randomly. Sucks. I wish Ken was home and that I could just curl up against him in bed one more time. Thinking about it makes me sad. But I don't want to NOT think about him either.

fuck.

hrmmmm what to do, what to do....

2008-08-30T13:07:00.002-04:00

Well, Ken left yesterday for A'stan and I'm not as mopey as I thought I'd be. I was a lot mopier (word??) before he left. The lead up sucks SO bad. LOL. But I'm fine now. Really.

Sure, I'm nervous for him, I have to wonder how he's feeling - I heard that
you get really sick the first week you're there because of all the shit in the air. Literally, the air is something like 45% fecal matter. Sexy huh? Which means when he comes home all his gear is going to smell like shit.

that reminds me, I have to call the car rental place to see if they will let me rent the car using Ken's visa even though he has it with him over there. Like - if they need to physically see the card in order to charge it. If they do, I'll have him mail it over or whatever. I'm sure if they hear the circumstances it won't be a problem. I hope.

Bleh

2008-08-22T23:51:00.001-04:00

I hate everything and everyone right now. Woe be the person to wrongly cross my path over the next two weeks.

Is wrongly even a word?

Message boards - not for the faint of heart, or the long winded!

2008-08-14T11:51:00.002-04:00

Was treated to some sort of unholy hell the other night in the form of a well meaning yet utterly message board clueless girl.

What happened is what follows.

Warning - it's crazy freaking long. (although I am going to break it up into more paragraphs)

HELP!! (warning really long)

Okay, this is regarding DH's family and some recent drama we have had with them. Here's a little background. I have a stressed induced nerve disorder called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. Basically, when I get too stressed, one set of my nerves tells my brain that I'm in extreme pain and the other set of nervegoes into overdrive. When I found out DH was going on a year long hardship tour to Korea after basic and AIT, I got really stressed. I knew it was going to be a total of 18 months apart, and I was going to get stuck at home with my family (they can tend to be overbearing).

Anyway, he left in September '07, and the RSD set into my right wrist about a month after he left. I saw my orthopedic specialist and he started me on pain meds and different types of nerve meds to try to alleviate the pain and get things under control. After 3 months of this and me getting workse, I was referred to a pain specialist and had to start nerve blocks, which were injections in my neck that put the over reacting nerves to sleep so the other set would work properly. Since this was a life threatening procedure (and we have two children under 3) DH was allowed to come home to care for me and the boys.

He stayed home for the month of January, and went back. I was put on 5 meds (a new anti depressant, an anti-anxiety, a nerve medicine, a sedative-type medicine, and a very strong pain medicine... Percocet 10 3x/day) and they altered my thinking, and made me tired, so I moved in with my mom to help with the boys, and care for me. I lost a ton of weight, because the combination killed my appetite, and gave me a type of insomnia (I'm 5'6 and have always been around a healthy 6, and I got down to a 2, which was beginning to get big). DH and I really started going through a difficult strain in our marriage, and I finally asked for a separation, and I was seriously considering divorce (there has been a history of emotional and verbal abuse, and I couldn't take it anymore.)

Anyway, DH turned to his family, and they of course told him all kinds of bad things about me. They told him that I came to family functions looking "strung out" and distracted. His older sister told him that she just knew that I was cheating on him because of the way I was acting. She also told him she was positive that I was on drugs, and neglecting our children. Her reasoning for that was an incident that happened in April.

I moved from my mom's to my dad's, and my MIL packed up my bathroom. I had some of my meds in the bathroom drawer, and instead of putting them in a safe place, she packed them with my toiletries. I didn't know they were in there (it was prescription sleeping pills that I didn't like to take) so when I got to my dad's, I left them in my room to unpack. My MIL was staying with me (she had just had surgery) and was watching the boys while I showered. When I was fixing my hair, I heard her say "What is this the boys have?" They were the sleeping pills! My oldest for sure ate at least one. She was sitting right beside them as they were going through the bag and wasn't paying attention to what they were doing. It was a child proof cap, so I don't know how they got into them, but that is beside the point.

Anyway, I immediately called 911, they were rushed to the hospital, drank the charcoal stuff, and were released about 10 hours later (after a REALLY good nap.) It scared me to death, but you know accidents happen, and I thank God that my boys are ok. Anyway, that is her reasoning for thinking that I'm a bad mom. She tells Jessee that she hates he is going through it, but it's for the best and he'll be happier in the long run.

Okay, so a month goes by, DH has been going through counseling, and I decide to give it one more try. His older sister tries to convince him not to get back together with me, and he tells her that he loves me more than anything, and if we can make it work, then he's going to. She tells him that I'm no longer welcome in her home, and she hated that she wasn't going to have a relationship with him because of me. I guess she figured that would change his mind, but it didn't, and she hasn't spoken to him since (this was in May.)

During the month long separation, our boys were going out to my FIL's and spending the weekend. Since I wasn't comfortable staying out there while we were separated, FIL would pick them up Sat morning, and would meet me with them Sun afternoon. His sisters told him they were sure I was going out partying, which couldn't be furthur from the truth. I've been to one bar in my ENTIRE life, and that was with DH, two weeks after we got married. I've never even been to a club! It just isn't my lifestyle. I mostly went home, did laundry, went grocery shopping, maybe went to eat with my best friend, and either went to church with my dad, or slept in.

Well, since things seem to have gotten back to normal, I started going back out to my FIL's. I started noticing that DH's stepmom was being hateful and rude to me. She can be that way sometimes, but I kept noticing it more and more often. Like for example, I was talking to them about DH re-enlisting, and mentioned that he may get a good bonus, and what we may do with it (pay off debts mostly). She piped up and said "I didn't know that HE had that much debt." I said, "WE both lost our jobs about 8 months after we got married, and got deep in debt. The car in Jessee's name was repossessed, and it went downhill from there." There was a point in time when I was the only one who worked and DH sat on his butt and let us get really far in debt. So bad, that we had to move in with my mother. It wasn't until he enlisted that we started to be able to breathe financially. There were a few more comments like that here and there, and I finally asked my FIL about it. He told me she was like that to everyone, not to worry. DH talked to his dad about letting us borrow the money for the plane ticket for mid tour leave, and his dad agreed.

Apparently, he told his wife, and she didn't want to do it. He told me a few days before to call and make the reservation, and when I called to his house to give him the info, his wife answered the phone. She asked "Is this Ashley?" I said "Yeah, I need to speak to Vance." She said "We're not going to put that on his credit card." I told her fine, I need to speak with him anyway. So she repeated "We're not going to do it." And again I told her "Ok" and I needed to speak to him. When he got on the phone, I was upset, needless to say. I hadn't seen DH in six months, and was disappointed. I was mostly upset because she was being a b*tch. I overreacted (by my own admission) and got off the phone. I called back to talk to her, and asked her flat out what her problem was with me. She told me she was "tired of me blowing Jessee's money." She also told me I was "conceited and arrogant and walked around like I was better than everyone else." I was floored. I didn't yell, I mostly cried, and I got off the phone. I called my dad (he's my voice of reason), who ended up paying for the plane ticket, and then I called DH. I told him what happened, and he called his dad's house, and got into it with them. Not because of the plane ticket, but because of how they were being to me.

His little sister then gets involved (through Myspace, mind you) and tells him that I'm a f*cking drama queen, a liar, and a b*tch. She then tells him that I'm blowing his money on something, they just don't know what. At the time, DH was only a PV2!!! I guess they think the Army makes us rich or something (LOL!!!). Anyway, he and his little sister have it out, and she deletes him from her Myspace friend list (lol) and puts him on ignore. I email her and apologize for overreacting to her parents, and I try to explain to her that I'm NOT blowing his money. We are paying off debts, and we are paying for a new car, AND raising two kids!

Alright, almost done (you still with me? lol) DH comes home on leave from July 16th through the 31st. Before he comes home, I email his older sister and tell her that even though all the mess had happened, she was more than welcome to come and see her brother at my dad's (only 15 min from her). I didn't know at the time she had said the things that she did... DH didn't tell me until after he was home on leave. Needless to say, she didn't respond, and didn't call while he was here. We went out to his dad's, but left before DH's stepmom came home. His little sister, who lives next door to his dad, never came and saw him. In fact, we passed her on the dirt road, and she didn't even stop or slow down to say hey (she hasn't even seen him in almost a year, and she is pg with her first.)

Well, last weekend, FIL had the boys and wanted to take them to DH's older sister's house (it's his daughter). I wrestled back and forth with it, and DH and I decided since we aren't welcome, our kids shouldn't go. Outside of that, they openly smoke pot around their daughter (who is 3 1/2), and I DEFINITELY don't want my kids exposed to that. I picked the boys up before he went out there, and he had no problem with it.

This situation has really been bothering me lately. It's been bothering me the whole time. I started praying about it more than usual, and asked God what to do. I felt compelled to email them this past weekend, and I did. I told his older sister all the things that had happened that made her assume things about me. I.E.... I was on medication that made me lose weight, not drugs.... the boys taking the sleeping pills happened when my MIL was watching them, etc) and that regardless of all the hateful things that had happened, family was more important, and I just wanted to put it all past us and be family again. I told her I wanted this not just for my peace of mind, but for DH, and our kids, because I want our kids to know each other and their whole family.

I poured my heart out in this SUPER long email and apologized if I ever had an attitude that upset her. I told her I had rededicated my life to Christ and was trying to handle situations differently, and whatever it took, we should work it out. She wrote me back a short email and told me that she didn't want us in her or her family's life, and she didn't know why I felt the need to "keep on" about it. She said it was her decision to live with, and I just needed to leave her alone. Needless to say, I was bummed about it. I called DH and told him, which he was upset, and then I called my FIL to let him know that I had tried to rectify the situation, but she didn't want us in her life anymore. DH and I decided that we won't attend family functions where she is involved, and FIL agreed and said he would hold his own things at his house. She doesn't bring her daughter to see him (she only lives 45 min away) so he wasn't surprised by her reaction. So, I emailed DH's little sister and tried to do the same thing. I explained my actions, the weight loss, the reason I had been in the state of mind, and I also apologized for over reacting to her parents.

She wrote me back and said she felt bad it happened, but unlike her parents, she wasn't willing to "just swallow it." She told me that my emails (I had written her once before) sounded to her like justifications and not apologies, and she was mad about more than what just happened recently. She told me that she didn't feel like she needed to tell me why she was mad at me and her brother, and we have had a bad attitude for the last few years. She told me that I wasn't anywhere near perfect (this coming from the girl who is smoking pot while she is pg!!!) and we just need to leave her alone.

So I say all that to say this.... do I just let it go? DH is going to write the both of his sisters. He says he is going to speak from his heart, and tell them how they have hurt him (not that they'll give a damn). We both really wanted to make this right since we are moving in 5 weeks to Ft Sill, OK. Never once did I ask for an apology for them speaking to me and about me the way that they did. I mean, they told the entire family that they was sure that I was hooked on cocaine and partying with a bunch of guys on the weekends! DH and I may have had some serious relationship issues, but he is the only man that I have ever loved. I have been crazy about him since I was 17 and all I have ever wanted was for him to love me the same way. I feel like the situation is hopeless. I don't have any sisters, and I have always loved them like they were my blood. I wanted this to work out for our boys. I don't want them to wonder why we aren't welcome, and why they don't know their cousins.

Family is SUPER important to my FIL, and I wanted to work this out for his sake too. I understand that the initial reason that this blew up was because of the way I handled certain things. I apologized for it the day after it happened. But I find out they have been talking bad about me for MONTHS! Instead of talking to me or expressing concern, they spread lies about me. They think I've been cheating on DH since he left for basic which couldn't be furthur from the truth. I have sat here and waited months on end for us to be together again. Other men have NOT been on my mind. DH was the first and only man I have ever been with, and I am proud to say that. For them to disgrace that and drag my name and reputation through the mud hurts me more than I thought that it would. Anyway, I have asked God for forgiveness for my wrong doing in this. I just don't know what to do from here. I even wrote my younger SIL back and told her that if she would tell me why she was mad I would apologize for it. It doesn't matter what I did, if I offended her, hurt her, or made her upset with me, then it's wrong and my place to apologize. I told her that I understand that we can't immediately go back to being friends, but something in the right and positive direction would be a start. His family has known me for 8 years, and I've always been a positive person who allows people to "run over me" as DH puts it. I seriously blame the medication for making me whacked out in the brain (needless to say, I'm not on it any longer).

So, what would you do? And please, try not to flame. I have cried through this post and can't take any more negativity at the moment. I'm a crier anyway, but things are rough right now. If you can't offer me any advice, I'll take prayers. I could really use those right about now. Anyway, TIA.

BTW, DH's counseling made him a different man. He is the sweetest, most affectionate, caring person now. I love him now more than I did the day we married, and I'm so proud to be his wife (I always have been, but he is now what I knew he was capable of being, AND MORE). He said he prayed for God to help him change, and not only is he sweeter (and better in bed, tmi, i know, but YAY!!) but he is so much more spiritual and talks about God and the amazing things that He has done for him all the time. So, my marriage is as darn close to perfect as it can get right now.... aside from the fact that he is halfway around the world that is!

And then, she deleted that post. This is what ensued......

Holy SH*T!!!!
From: Jesseesgirl83
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:36 PM
I was just gonna edit it down a little bit because it was SO freakin long! You know, I've read so many girls posts about so many things and this is something that I have struggled with for a couple of days and I have NO ONE to talk to. When I saw how long it was, I laughed at myself and I C&P and was editing it down. Jeez ladies, seriously??? It's that big of a deal? Thank you to those who did read it. Nobody was mean, but for someone to say "Seriously, I got out of bed for this?" And the comments to the"Wait, she DD" post?

Replies: From: babyang
*raises hand*
guilty. Just really want to know WHAT the issue(s) were. It was too much on the eyes.

From: Laura_and_Jon
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:39 PM
I'm sorry. I really will try to help if you give me the readers digest version. I don't particularly need to know how many meds you were taking. Just the important parts k?

From: Deeczw
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:40 PM
I just wondered why you would DD.

From: Jesseesgirl83
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:42 PM
I lurk on here all the time just because reading people's posts and the responses makes me feel more connected to other military wives. I don't live anywhere near a base because DH went to Korea from AIT, and I got left in this Godforsaken place. I know no other military wives, so no one that knows me can relate to me. I thought that I would get that here. I didn't know I'd be ridiculed for such a long post. It was more therapeutic to just get it out there. But to now see people saying things like "I need a pharmacist to decipher that", is it really necessary? And I haven't been run off, I enjoy reading the posts because it answer some of my questions.

From: Lil_T
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:42 PM
LONG?? It was a freaking novel! It was just extremely hard to read. really - my eyes were freaking bleeding.
I do have some advice though.
Let it go. You can't make your IL's like you. And clearly they don't (most of them anyway)
Honestly, if you sent me a "long, heartfelt email" that was as long as the post you just did, I probably wouldn't want to talk to you anymore. I'm really sorry if that sounds mean, you just have to learn how to land the damn plane.
I hope you'll stick around - maybe third impressions are the charm.

From: Pinkgirl4ever
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:43 PM
I did read your post and have never seen one that long before. It looked like a desperate cry for help.
This board is a good place for support. However, I would seek professional counsel to better handle the stress you are going through.

From: NDChristine
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:44 PM
ditto pinkgirl

From: MandaGail
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:44 PM
I'm with Laura. I would be happy to give advice if that's what you're looking for. I'm being honest when I say I couldn't stick with reading it without some paragraphs is all.

From: babyang
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:46 PM
Hmmm, looks like I struck a nerve.
And yeah...seek professional help. Or if your ILs are that bad (and I am confused...are you actually married or just engaged?) send them all that in an email...as T said, they'd probably exit the picture damn expeditiously.

From: Laura_and_Jon
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:47 PM
I with Pink on this one. A trained psychologist will be able to give you more of the help you need if you want some good advice tailored to you and your needs.
Around here you kind of have to take it as it comes, and most people aren't going to sugar coat things. However if you want honesty...well. You got it.

From: Pinkgirl4ever
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:47 PM
I want to add that I meant that in the nicest and serious way possible.

From: Jesseesgirl83
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:48 PM
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! The reason I deleted it was because of how long it was. I don't need anyone to continue to ridicule me for the length!!! I didn't go back through and make sure it was a certain length, I just hit the damn "post now" button. And no, my email wasn't that long, and I don't need professional counseling for it. It was just a rough situation with a WWYD question attached. It's late, I'm bored, and have no one to talk to about it. It's two sisters, not the whole damn family. Spare me the negativity and the unnecessary comments. I get the point.

From: SarahE27
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:50 PM
If you have the edited down version, and it's short enough, I'll read it.

From: Deeczw
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:52 PM
Honestly, I think you are over reacting here - everyone is being very helpful. Let the few negative comments roll off your back. Like someone said, we aren't all roses and sunshine here - we are honest. And I don't think it would hurt to talk your issues out with a therapist - they might have a different perspective or some coping strategies to help you. I know having your DH in another country is stressful, even without family issues.

From: Smudges*Mom
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:53 PM
I think that this is a situation where it feels to Jesseesgirl like she knows the group because she's a frequent reader, but because she hasn't shared on the board in the past, "the group" doesn't have a frame of reference. Message boards like this are a community of give and take. We are here to support one another, but it is a two way street.
Jesseesgirl, it sounds like you could use a bit of support and friendship, things have not been easy for you. Please stick around and continue to post--that's how we can get to know you.
It does sound to me like some professional support might help. My family went through a period of four years that we did not talk to my brother and therapy helped us sort through some of the issues.
Good luck and take care!

From: Pinkgirl4ever
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:54 PM
Well, I sure would need professional help if I had ## health issues, marital stress, and destructive in-laws.

From: Laura_and_Jon
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:54 PM
I personally think the fact that you feel the need to unload onto a public message board full of a bunch of people who don't even know you shows you DO need a professional to talk to about your situation.

From: babyang
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:55 PM
Sweetheart, it is a public message board. I think this is Lesson #1 that people are not always going to tell you what you want to hear or even be nice about it.
Lesson 2 is that anyone can and WILL say what they want in a response to your post.

From: Jesseesgirl83
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:57 PM
I figured most of you would tell me the same thing DH has (and I said DH the entire time, so I don't know how that made me sound engaged??) and tell me to let it go. I don't need a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Up until this past weekend, I haven't said anything to either sister. I tried to work it out, they didn't want to. I didn't know whether to continue to try, or to let it go. It was kinda of a "one or the other" kind of decision. I didn't think that someone would recommend counseling or think it was a "desperate cry for help." It's not like I'm losing sleep over them being b*tches to me. Let it go.

From: Deeczw
Date: 8/12/2008 at 10:59 PM
I think you should take your own advice.

From: Molly&Mark
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:00 PM
Have you tried calling Military one Source? They are great listeners- and no, I'm not being smart in saying this. They are a great non judgemental resource.
1-800-342-9647

From: NDChristine
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:01 PM
I've seen therapists for issues that do not seem to be as involved, serious, and heartbreaking as the issues you are currently going through. Saying that you should seek professional help is not an insult. There seems to obviously be a lot of background to the story, background that seems to be lost in translation on a message board, and a therapist would be a great way to "get it all out" per se. You can call military onesource and they'll hook you up with a local professional for free.

From: babyang
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:01 PM
Coulda sworn I saw a "FI" in there. And I know you're new here. Most of us crusty old married types just never made the transition to the Nest. You came here married. Just a bit unique, is all.

From: Pinkgirl4ever
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:04 PM
I'm sorry that I misunderstood your post and that I didn't realize that the point of it was just to seek advice about your SILs.
Let it go like last week, not because they deserve it, but for your own sake.

From: Jesseesgirl83
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:06 PM
I am very aware that it is a public message board. But what is constructive about ridiculing someone? Like I said before, when I saw the length, I began to shorten it. I don't need therapy for this, as it's something that has happened in the last few days, and I've dealt with it in my own way. I was just getting a WWYD opinion. I'm very capable of dealing with constructive criticism. I've posted before, and gotten negative feedback, and let it roll of my back. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, I just never expected what just happened, so yeah I guess it struck a nerve.

From: babyang
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:07 PM
Sooooo, public message boards are supposed to be constructive.
Damn, I have some soul searching to do.

From: Laura_and_Jon
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:10 PM
very rarely have I ever done anything constructive or productive on here. seriously.

From: babyang
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:12 PM
Now Laura, WFD posts are very productive. :P

From: Smudges*Mom
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:12 PM
I'm long winded and my posts tend to be long. . . but really? We heard your recent medical history as well as the relevant history of your marriage (and sex life). . . all to ask a WWYD question regarding your SILs? I understand bored and lonely. . . but take a step back.

wow my brain just stopped. WFD?

From: babyang
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:13 PM
what's for dinner. :)

From: Laura_and_Jon
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:14 PM
oh oh oh yes I knew that. Yea that can be productive. ;)

From: NDChristine
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:15 PM
Okay - what I would do:
I would seek counseling, hopefully with my DH, b/c my actions could potentially affect family relationships and dynamics. I would want him there b/c there are obviously more issues going on then just the relationship with the SILs (there were about 600 words about things before SILs were even mentioned, so yes, it appears that there are other issues). And hey, this is the one time in my life I would be able to advantage of free therapists. And seriously, it's not like going to a counselor would hurt anything. In the mean time, I would try to ignore the SILs and not say anything I might regret later.

From: Jesseesgirl83
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:18 PM
I don't think seeking a therapist is an insult. DH and I have both seen one, and they can be very helpful. I'm not frustrated by that, I have given the same advice to people before because it helped me. I'm frustrated by people feeling the need to be so catty. BTW, I saw "FIL" at some point in my long-ass post. And I come here because this board is WAY more active than the Military Newlyweds board on The Nest. Read over some of the responses and comments pertaining to this and tell me that all of those comments were necessary. I'm going through a hard time with DH being gone for the last 18 months, and it's the first time I've had to deal with this in our 8 year relationship. Maybe it's immature of me to have a "if you don't have something nice to say...." attitude about things?

From: Lil_T
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:19 PM
maybe you should just have them killed*
*disclaimer: I'm not actually endorsing assassinations, I'm being facetious.

From: Jesseesgirl83
Date: 8/12/2008 at 11:21 PM
I give up. Thanks to those who truly tried to help. I realize that I provided way too much info (hence the reason that I deleted it and was shortening it significantly.)

are your eyes bleeding yet?

coming soon!

2008-08-12T13:22:00.001-04:00

the follow up to my forgiveness post! names will be named.... ahh sweet catharsis

well that wasn't sooo bad

2008-08-09T10:36:00.002-04:00

As per my previous post my mother-in-law was here last week. She dropped of an air conditioner which has proven itself quite useless. The only time you can cool off with that thing is when you're standing right in front of it - WTF?? Ah well. She means well, and only bought it to try to stop Sean from overheating and having another seizure.

So, we just tell her it's working fine, not like we can take the damn thing back if we wanted to anyway. :S Too bad, we could have exchanged it for a pool. A pool would be ideal for cooling off mommy AND Sean-bon. :) oh how I would love to have a pool . If I have my way - either I will get one next year, or my next house will have a pool. It's bad enough I can't go swimming here because the rivers are gross and there is definitely NO ocean to be had. :( I need a pool.

nice tangent eh

bleh

2008-07-30T18:22:00.003-04:00

In-laws are coming tomorrow....

we'll see how it goes

Hooray for small victories I guess

2008-07-15T20:10:00.003-04:00

So today, the first US Army deserter was ousted from his British Columbian safe haven. read it here Guess it wasn't so safe, eh, Mr. Long? I sincerely hope that this is really the FIRST of a long list of asylum seeking deserters that get their asses shipped back to the US where they belong.

I'm sick to death of hearing of them whining that they are being forced to fight in an illegal action in Iraq. And that they compare it to the Vietnam war. OK, I will give them a similarity to 'Nam in that both were handled pretty heavy handedly by the US Gov't. But that's where is stops. These guys VOLUNTEERED to SERVE their country. They weren't forced or drafted into service like with Vietnam. Hardly. Some of these guys went to Iraq once and figured they were done. Sorry chap, but there's no "one time deal" clause in your terms of service when you sign up for military service. You go where you're told, when you're told. THAT is what you signed up for. That is what you do. It's a war not a fucking tea party!!

They should all be sent back - as a military wife I find it offensive and disgusting that these fucking dirtbags are taking refuge in MY country. My husband and thousands of others fight for the freedom of my country, and the freedom of those oppressed in other countries as well. Voluntarily. The same goes for the brave men and women of the US Armed Forces. Those cowards should all be deported and court-martialed.

As a person who is preparing to join the military myself, I look at them with zero pity. They are gutless fucking cowards.

I am highly highly tempted to go to Parliament Hill to protest a resolution saying U.S. war resisters should be allowed to stay in Canada.

pass the poster board and sharpies

The Quest for the Perfect Girls' Night Out.

2008-06-29T22:13:00.003-04:00

ahh what to do, what to do. I'm planning a Girls' Night Out with my Orleans Ladies, and I'm trying desperately to figure out what the hell we're going to do. So my plan so far is this, dinner, drinks and maybe some pool. With the possibility of maybe going to St Laurent Centre or Rideau Centre before to get our shop on. Yeah, that's a plan, then we can grab dinner somewhere downtown-ish. Though I don't know my way around town at all.... hrmm... back to square one. I don't want to pay $50 for my meal alone and then have to have extra on hand for recreation. ugh.

I think that's not a bad idea, we can do St Laurent Centre or even Place, and then grab dinner and then on to maybe Dooley's for drinks and pool.

so...... about this forgiveness thing

2008-06-05T11:49:00.002-04:00

Last night/ this morning I was having some pretty random thoughts going through my head... was thinking how cathartic it would be to forgive those who've wronged me in some way. So I started compiling a list going all the way back to elementary school (I hold grudges ok - I know it's bad for my karma - get off my back)....

Anyway... thinking about it made me feel a little better. But then I started thinking, what if I don't want to forgive these people? I know they don't give a shit whether they wronged me 5, 10, 15, 20 some years ago. Why am I still holding onto this? It's small and petty and I'd like to think that I'm better than that. But I'm so not. Not right now. And the list is pretty lengthy, so I'm debating how to start this thing. Chronologically? By severity of wrong-ness? Family first?

eh - I'll figure it out I guess, but I think this is going to get ugly...

(more to come)

I need humour

2008-05-29T19:37:00.003-04:00

I do, there are so many depressing things going on in the world today. Rape, murder, war, global warming, mass genocide, the U.S. democratic race (enough already Hillary - drop the fuck out and get on with your life). I need something really funny. Something to make me laugh out loud and not in an Internet LOL kind of way. Sadly, even Mr. Stewart and Mr. Colbert aren't doing it for me anymore. The movies don't do it for me anymore really. MY last real laugh out loud comedy was Knocked Up. Sorry - no - make that Superbad. Saw baby mama - sucked. From the over-acting to the predictable ending it was just bad.

I think we all need more funny in our lives. Wouldn't necessarily make the world a safer place, but it might just make it a happier one.

I can't even find the humour in the absolutely horrid performances on such shows as American Idol/ Canadian Idol or So You Think You Can Dance. Sitting on my sofa cringing in embarrassment for the unfortunate bastards that thought they had the talent to get on such shows just isn't my idea of a good time anymore.

The sitcoms are a freaking joke - I can't find one that I really love anymore (I desperately miss Seinfeld and Friends)... I would kill for a great, witty, smart, sarcastic show that was truly funny and not just spouting off the same old shit time after time. Please tell me where I can find that and I will gladly, faithfully tune in every damn week. And please don't point me in the direction of fucking Robot Chicken. Funny, in the way dick and fart jokes are funny. (Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the occasional D&F joke - I just need more) But not what I'm looking for anymore. I need real, INTELLIGENT humour. I'm tired of my brain cells dying off everytime I turn on the TV. Maybe they call it an idiot box for a reason. hmmm

Please. If any tv people read this, I'm begging you - bring back funny!!

Good times... making friends and planning vacations

2008-05-09T20:29:00.003-04:00

Things have been going really well since the hand slapping incident. I'm making friends, working on a new blog as well. Hope it turns out well. I'm trying really hard to incorporate both Canadian and American elements to help out friends on both sides of the border who are living the life.

Sean's one now. I can't believe it. Just a year ago today we started our frantic house hunt. Judging by the shack we're living in now, it didn't go so well. I almost wish we HAD taken the house in Vars. Or even one of the new builds in Rockland here. So kicking myself now. Live and learn I guess. And Sean is almost walking. I say almost, because he tries, but he's not quite there yet. I think he's waiting for Ken to get home to really give it a go. It would be nice for Ken to see him walk before he has to deploy. 7 months is a long time to go without seeing your baby.

And as more time passes and the more I look into it, the more excited I'm getting to be joining the CF. The training schedule has me all aflutter. It feels great to know I'll have a career with a purpose - instead of working shitty fucking retail the rest of my life. Now that is a suicide mission!

Oops had my hand slapped!

2008-04-05T13:23:00.002-04:00

So apparently I'm not allowed to have an opinion. At least that's the opinion of one of the hippie moms that's in my mom's group. I find this amusing and annoying all at once.

I responded to a post - granted the post was written in such a way that it did not read properly to me. Poster did not provide any back story and such it was taken out of context. Anyhoo, I responded, in a somewhat condescending manner, to the original poster - not to the hand slapper (who I will now only refer to as Miss HS). I NEVER ever post anything to Miss HS, her politics and mine do not mesh. AT ALL. I'm also not the first person she's reprimanded over something she didn't like. She's not a big fan of gender specific titles apparently. Which only makes me want to post as many as I possibly can. And... I derailed my train of thought

back on track... Miss HS decided to email me to tell me I was being "offensive" and to delete my post. Now at the time she emailed me, the post had already been deleted. So really her email to me was redundant. Just her way of saying that she's got WAY too much time on her hands, and feels really self important. LOVE that.

I hope, really, really, hope, that I never have to attend a meetup where she's attending. There's a very good chance that I will punch her square in her snotty nose.

Career change

2008-04-05T12:56:00.002-04:00

So, being a stay at home mom isn't exactly my cup of tea after all. I am bored out of my skull on an almost constant basis. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, my dog, and my husband. But being cooped up in the house is slowly driving me insane. I've been out of the workforce for 2 years now and I'm about ready to go on a homicidal rampage. I. NEED. A. CHANGE. I'm also probably making the single biggest change in my life ever. I've decided that I want to join the military. Yeah, not sure what kind of monkey wrench this is going to throw into hubby's career, but he assures me it won't impact him too greatly.
I'm also concerned how the kids are going to handle it. Little guy is probably (no, SURELY) going to be impacted the greatest. It's always been momma and baby since he was born really. Though, he'll be 2/3 when I start basic training (not joining til hubby gets back from his deployment spring 09). He hasn't had to deal with any long-term separation from me. Right now, the idea of leaving for 13 weeks (seeing him after the first 4) is SO hard to take. I'm going to miss them all. Mostly the baby to be perfectly honest. I just hope that he doesn't think I'm abandoning him.

All those things aside, I'm really looking forward to this big step. Because let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. It's a big challenge for me, so for the next year, I'm going to be training to start basic training. I have to start working on my upper body strength and push ups. Another aspect that is -dare I say - thrilling, to me, is the fact that I will never again have to wonder what I'm wearing to work. They'll just give me the clothes AND shoes, that I have to wear everyday. Yippee. How sad is it that I am SO excited over this small mundane fact? Nevermind the weeks and months of physically and psychologically gruelling training I'm going to have to take part in AND succeed at. Or the fact that I'm going to have to deal with gross incompetence on an almost daily basis. Shouldn't be that much of a problem though. I used to work with Andy Dale, after all. I'm excited to make this big change. Now I just have to stick with my plan. I've been wanting to do this for oh 14 years now. If I had joined out of high school as was my original plan, then I'd have been in 11 years now. And been an Air Force officer. Life is funny isn't it? Seeing as I'm joining as a NCM in the Navy. Weirdness.

Oh well. The paths we take in life sometimes lead us in the wrong direction, but sometimes, we find a path that leads us right where we're meant to be.

I like dots...

2008-01-28T20:14:00.000-05:00

pretty dots

the house from hell....

2008-01-20T19:06:00.000-05:00

So the depression has faded, or transformed, rather, into a wild mania. And it's all due to the previous and original owners of my house. There is SO much that has to be done to fix the damn thing it's not even fit. The bathroom is just fucked, we have to replace everything. EVERYTHING. The kitchen NEEDS to be updated, it screams 1985. I'm debating getting all new cabinets from IKEA. Someone should talk me out of that. Really.

I know that I have to do things on a piece by piece basis or else I'll drive myself crazy. So these are my projects in no particular order;
1 - ripping up floor in bathroom and putting in new subfloor.
requires: scraper, circular saw, prybar, large garbage can and most likely a rhinobag. Also, 25 subfloor tiles and shims. I shudder to think of the cost of that. According to my estimates I should come in around - $550.00 Do-able - but yeesh.

2 - laying new floor tile.
requires: tile (duh), mastic, grout, bucket, trowel, serrated trowel for making grooves in the mastic, spacers, the willingness to not use that washroom for 24 hours while the mastic cures (oh lord). Estimated Cost - $450

3 - new tub/ taking out the old tub
requires: pipe wrench, new fixtures, new tub, plumbers putty, reciprocating saw. Estimated cost $550

4 - new toilet
requires: new toilet, wax ring, caulk. estimated cost $150

5 - take down old wall tile and put new tile up
requires: tile, wall mesh, grout, caulk Estimated cost: $250

6 - painting
requires: paint, paint roller, brushes, tray, painters tape estimated cost $100

7 - new vanity
requires: new vanity, new fixtures Estimated cost $400

yeah - this is going to be FUN. UGH!!!!
adding new decorative pieces

Whining again....

2007-10-31T22:20:00.000-04:00

I wish I was a witty writer. But, I'm not. I wish I didn't feel so isolated sometimes... but I do. I'm starting to dislike the moms group that I'm in. Ugh - I just want a good fit. Jeez people, I'm sorry that I live outside your comfort zone. Seriously, stop being such a bunch of whiny bitches. Oh god how I wish that I could write this on the group's message board. But I can't without being ostracized. I wish that they just understood how it feels to be thrust into a new area where you know literally no one. I can't wait til we can go back to the east coast. I liked it there. I was comfortable there. Talk about being out of your comfort zone.

Can I just hide out here? Please. I am so depressed I just want to cry a lot of the time. Ken doesn't get it. I don't expect him to. *sigh*

Being new sucks.....

2007-09-28T22:31:00.000-04:00

It just does. Making friends is hard, putting yourself "out there" is terrifying. Sadly, that's the only way I think I'm going to survive living here.

I have a weekly playgroup right now - no idea how long it's going to last. It started off as for non-mobile babies only. Some of the babies are starting to become mobile, and I can tell at least one of the moms is itchy to move on to that next "level" if you will.

I think I might be starting to make a friend - hard to say. She's nice. I think we get along pretty well. Think I'll fire off an email to her later on. Anyway. It's just scary to put yourself out there and wait for someone to "bite". Kind of like lobbing the ball for a game of tennis and not knowing if it's going to come back. Bleh - it's just crappy.

Normally, I'm pretty shy - well, awkward is a better word. New social situations are frightening at the best of times. These are not the best of times. I'm fighting off what I think is a wee bit of post partum depression. At least I'm conscious of it though - which has to count for something. Right? That's besides the point though. What was my point? Oh yes, making friends, being new, yadda yadda.... yeah it sucks. I know I have to put myself out there, not like I have any other options. Can't be a hermit. Lack of contact with the outside world will turn you into a sociopath. Can't have that.

For the most part, I'm pretty blah about life. I'm happy to have my family, don't get me wrong. It's just sometimes, I wish I could go very, very far away. Just me. Or them. Just not together. They drive me insane sometimes. But that's family, right?

Tomorrow I'm going to this mom's meetup/ breastfeeding challenge thing. And I'm getting my hair cut, and the oil changed in the car. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my week. Scratch that - of my month. How truly pathetic am I? I am hoping that I will be able to make more friends. I'd like to have a circle of about 6 friends. Who I am fairly close with. I think that's a good goal. My self-esteem sucks, and I have to stop personalizing it when people can't make it to events or what have you. It's not my fault. They don't know me, so how can they reject me? (Keep repeating this over and over in my head)

and.... I'm rambling.

Moe doesn't like Rachel Ray

2007-09-11T14:56:00.000-04:00

I guess her voice just grates on his nerves.....

new house needs work.....

2007-08-20T12:37:00.001-04:00

Lord help me, but the previous owners, I'm pretty sure were retarded. There are just too many oddities around the house that point to that. Like for instance, the tap for the garden hose. It's UNDER the back step. You literally have to get under the step to turn it off and on - how fun. And the outlet for the range is wedged behind the kitchen cabinets. Clearly no-one was thinking when they did whatever changes/ renovations they did. Very odd. I have a list of projects a half mile long of things I want to get done. So I'm hoping we win some sort of lottery so we can do it, and then resell the house for a small profit and buy a better house. wow - that was a bad run-on sentence

It's ok though, I'm sure we'll be here for a couple of years anyway. Hopefully long enough to make the necessary changes and then sell the house. I'll be really irritated if Ken gets posted out of the area next year. I'm also pretty sure, that when Ken gets deployed again, we'll be using the extra money for all the renovations we want to do. Probably the only time we'll get a chance.

We just spent this past weekend pulling out the Hydrangea plants that took over our back yard and deck. What a pain in the ass that was. I've got sores on my hands from pulling the roots and cutting the stems. Ken's covered in bruises and blisters too. We officially hate hydrangeas. I think we'll just plant easy things like veggies, and non-annoying plants.

I wish we had more storage space too - but that I can fix by re-organizing everything.

letter to my sailor

2007-08-16T22:53:00.000-04:00

I wrote this back in January 2006 when my fiance - now husband was deployed overseas. It came to me one night in a flash of realization of what it was I was really getting myself into.....

Letter to My Sailor
I met you first, the uniform second.
I looked into your eyes and didn't see - the walk down the aisle, the deployments, the sleepless nights with the baby all alone.
I fell in love with your smile, the warmth of your heart, and the safety of your arms.
But I didn't know the fear I'd feel when you'd walk out the door and smile good bye.
Will you come back to me?
Will you be the same man when you do?
You proposed to me, and I said yes.
For a split second - I envisioned a normal life, always staying in the same town and raising our children.
And I realized that I am also saying yes to a lifetime of deployments, uprooting and moving to your next posting destination.
Leaving friends and family behind, but making friends that last a lifetime along the way. I accepted the challenge and embraced it.
I walked down the aisle and married the uniform first and you second, because I knew that was the way it had to be.
I vowed - richer or poorer, sickness and health, better or worse... knowing all those times would lay ahead. I vowed to be understanding and accepting of the sacrifices that we both would have to make. That our family would have to make.
I believe that the love that we share WILL withstand time and distance.
The sweetest thing I've ever experienced, your smiling face next to me in the morning.
The sweetest thing I ever will experience, I believe, will be the feeling of your arms around me when you come home.
The uncertainty, the love, the lifestyle, the commitment.
I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I love my sailor.

adventures in relocation

2007-08-16T22:37:00.000-04:00

July 4. 2007
We wake up early to make sure we are ready for the packers to arrive at the house. This was the best part of the day. It all goes downhill from here. The "packers" consist of one guy who's "been doing this for 31 years". Needless to say he's an incompetent twit and immediately goes on autopilot. He tried packing our dogs food - um how is my poor dog going to eat for the next week? Then he tries packing our move paperwork - NO - I tell him, we need that. So I take it and put it away from him. So it wouldn't be packed. What does he do the second I take my eyes off the paperwork - yep - he packed it. Flash forward two hours - in the time that's elapsed, he left to finish another job, um - WTF?? Came back with his wife(?) and daughter. They go off to another area of my house to pack. Being that I am only one person, and only one set of eyes I let them. NEVER AGAIN. I've got things that went missing and have not been recovered and am now waiting for a claim from the moving company. My flat iron, some of the baby's clothes, my oldest son's collection of posters - including his favorite Jeff Gordon poster. UGH.

Then there's the stuff that was broken. It's all such a piss off. I never really hated moving until now. I think that's because I was in control for all my previous moves. Moving on the military's dime is a whole other animal for sure. And a strange beast that is too. People told me it was awful, but I just never truly understood what they meant. At least they didn't lose all our stuff I guess. Boy, that would have been a shitstorm and a half.

I guess I'll look on the "brightside" to say that at least we won't be moving again for another few years.

Introduction... I guess

2007-06-26T16:25:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess I'm going to try to keep it like an online diary of sorts. Get things "written" down before I forget, and try to remember stuff I have forgotten. My life isn't overly interesting - I don't do anything dangerous or reckless per se. I'm not full of witty musings or anything like that. I did get a poem that I wrote published once. It was only in the Trident but that's ok. Someday maybe I'll be published for real. For now, I'll stick to just jotting down random thoughts. Maybe the odd grocery or to do list. Pretty dull right. Well stick around.... I can be pretty entertaining sometimes.

I've got an odd sense of humour, somewhat sarcastic, I have a tendency to laugh at inappropriate moments (like in church). And somethings I don't find funny at all... go figure.

I'm married, something I wasn't so sure would ever happen, but it did and I like it. I even have TWO kids. Jamie and Sean. I'm officially surrounded by testosterone - so I guess I'll just have to get used to it. Not like I have a choice or anything. My husband is a little odd. Like me, only in a different way. He likes to collect things. Mostly things that have a relation to militaria. He's got a degree in law and history, and likes to use both to annoy me to no end... he's so cute. Like this one time, he bought a pith helmet. Not even joking. He wears it around the house. I swear he'd wear it outside if I'd let him. And he owns a WW2 replica German helmet. I love him... but man he's kooky.

Me, I collect old school My Little Pony from the 80's. Love me some My Little Pony. And Hello Kitty. I miss the 80's they were some good times. WAY better than the 90's that's for sure.

....and I'm rambling.